Fuck you! Four Dwarves!
I swear, this is how the screenwriter's meeting for this film kicked off.
C'mon Jim, don't you think we need to clearly lay out the powers of the villain such that it's not seen as random horseshit in the second act when presumably dead characters who will be in the trailer in future scenes, guaranteeing they're not dead, reappear?
... ... ... fuck you! Four Dwarves doing Dwarf jokes!
I swear, I got a lot of good Intel on this. Uhh,this movie is not good. The rotten tomatoes score and like... logic, would suggest it isn't. So why write this review? Well, cause, simple, reasons.
So, there's a new genre that cropped up in the past decade or so. It's the realization of existing public domain properties that are converted into live action films, the pool they're all fishing in is that of Germanic Fairy tales. For those unfamiliar, a Germanic fairy tale is about the fantastical, and love, and passion and being good through a world of evil such that you, the down-trodden can pull through. But really, it's about how your vagina is a bargaining chip for real estate deals, and as such, no one wants to buy a used one, so you best wait till your Daddy marries you off to a business partner for the purposes of Baby-Making.
The most vagina-possessing of these tales is that of Snow White. That tramp was so virgin, she's too tones of "white (pure)" in her name. She's not even off-white with a tint of beige around the edges. Nope, she is... "there are 7 tiny men prancing around my knickers and I still ain't been mounted yet please give me an apple and I'll wait for the only dude I'll ever sleep with to date rape me" Virginal.
As God Intended.
So, what does this have to do with The Huntsman? Nothing, it has nothing to do with The Huntsman, cause nothing does. So, this film is a sequel prequel that tangential and also retcons and makes a story (not really) of the Huntsman character who doesn't actually serve much purpose in the Lore of the story when it was bastardized by the Disney Corporation. Chris Hemsworth is back? to reprise his role as Thor with a different stupid accent he can't actually keep up throughout the film. Sidebar, the fuck is happening with accents in this film?
Hemsworth - Aussie, playing... Irish/Scott who is sometimes alien (accent-wise)
Jessica Chastain - American, playing... Redhead? (accent-wise)
Emily Blunt - Playing the really blonde dude from Game of Thrones who gets the cast iron poured atop his head by Emelia Clark's Aquaman (aesthetic-wise)
And Charlize Theron - Playing White South African that we're all going to swear was probably not the horrible racist version of White South Africans cause she's like... super pretty (real life)
So, we have an origin story for the Huntsman, I guess. Uhh, Emily Blunt is all Elsa from Frozen and she's sad cause her kid is dead (that bitch) and as such, she takes to the North cause this is not Game of Thrones to become a White Walker with better skin complexion. While there she kidnaps oh-so-many white kids and that one black kid hanging out in Norway to become her Knight's Watch cause this totally isn't written by someone who saw Game of Thrones once and exclaimed:
Holy shit! Is that a Dwarf? Fucking hell! Why is there only one of them, there should be at min. 4x that amount and someone should be force feeding them antiquated jokes that don't land for 2 hours... cause fuck StoryTelling! I hate it so much I became a screen writer to kill it from the inside!
Again, actual quote. Use the internet people, it's a new thing Al Gore gave us so we can watch Dwarf Porn.
Sigh, so... Uhh, Hemsworth's "Eric" and Chastain's "Sarah" are in love because they're both attractive and not the black one. I suppose at Christmas the Hemsworths are all, "I have a Katniss love interest named for being cat like but I'm all not a big movie star due to my lack of natural charm". And then Chris is like "Fuck you! Four Dwarves, also... Jessica is almost Jennifer therefore signed The Huntsman contract, douche!"
Not actual quote, those dudes are really big and upside-down, Just joking, hope they don't take it seriously.
Anywho, when Eric and Sarah look what another over and approve of how Anglo-Saxony they are named they get down to Hot Springs Sex cause Jessica Chastain's Sarah would be terrible at fetching tracts of land with her Vagina, I suppose. I should mention at this point that Emily Blunts Queen Freya doesn't like Love. I have to ask however, since these two are her super soldiers, and they're made of above average height, looks, and skills in both genders, why wouldn't she want them mating? I think I found a plothole: as I was saying, the conflict is that these two love each other, and they're not allowed to. I guess, that if they just approached her and went "hey, I'm all about tapping that ass and giving you sweet 2nd generation Warriors but I mean, she's just PoonTang to be me, Brah" than all of this would have been averted.
Instead however, Eric and Sarah decided to run off, and that's when the thing happens! Yes, the thing... you know, like, the thing? The thing where the Queen uses powers no one knew she had to divide the two by using quite possibly death and the magic of the Trailer that will be shown for months suggesting that in actuality, not death for the Red Head. Thereafter, Eric goes off to Snow White the shit out of Germany by fighting off the evil Ghoul of the Director's Libido as he renders Kristin Stewart less effectual in pawning off for Land Development. Spoiler: it didn't work, and yet still sorta sequel.
Thats when, we end up... with fucking Dwarves. A whole Mess of them, in fact. So, when we first see Eric post shagging Sarah and confronting the Queen about how the Shagging really meant something to them, he's doing Eric things by the water when the Queen (Snow White - not in this film due to the Actress not being desirable enough to Cast anymore) sends her guard to summon him for the task of... I don't know, the mirror is being a dick to her? Eric inquires as to how the Royal Guard knows where he is, and it's explained that his Dwarf friend sold him out. Not just his Dwarf friend, however, but the Dwarf friend's Brother, who is also a Dwarf because apparently Genetics are something completely lost on the screen-writers:
Fuck You! Thirty-Eight Dwarves for The Huntsman: The Quest for Plot Mechanics (To Be Announced at Comic-Con)
So... we now have two Dwarves accompanying Eric on his quest to Get the Mirror the Queen sent away and Send it More Away? Quite possibly. Uhh yeah.
So, I alluded to it before, from here on in, this will be spoilery - even though the trailer kinda makes it not spoilery..
The run into Jessica Chastain's Sarah who the audience believed was dead because the uhh, what's it.. Film Camera, shot a scene depicting her being dead (no knowledge of how this affects her Real Estate value). Uhh, the queen can summon ice, and make the ice show 1080p home films about your loved one being stabbed by the only Black Guy around. Very specific power, indeed. Except, not dead, Dr Doom looking Ninja now.
There's a fight in a tavern between Eric and other Huntsman still loyal to Freya. I don't understand Freya's rules. She's clearly a slave-driver who condones love (with force) but she lets her Boys go out for drinks. For some reason the "Main" Dwarf, not to be confused with the brother Dwarf tells the 5 gentlemen comparable to Eric's size that were trained in the same manor to "Fuck off" as though Eric stood a chance against them. Also, they didn't know who Eric was... which is puzzling, because Eric was... the one who FUCKING LOOKED LIKE CHRIS HEMSWORTH. Not only that, but fought essentially like Thor with Battle Axes in lieu of a magical Hammer that sounds like something a Cat cries out in mid sleep.
Doesn't matter though, Ninja Dr Doom shows and beats all they asses and we're set on the magical journey of two former lovers who are at odds at one-another due to magic tv ice walls summoned by Emily Blunt to make you forget that Kristin Stewart won't be around "acting" in this film.
Uhh, the predictable things than start happening. Umm, she's a double agent cause I guess this movie hates Women, I think. I don't really... they took the Snow White story and said "know who's important and needs to be the center of this... the Guy" and all the women in the film are... terrible terrible human beings. Lets go down the list shall we
First off, two new contestants... fucking Female Dwarves. They have female gonads and this film is OBSESSED with making sure every male Tool has a designated Slot at films end... cause Women, they're good for their vaginas! No wait, I might have misjudged, this might honor the original story better than I thought.
That's if for the Dwarves, that's their point. One of them is the "Bitchey" Dwarf and the other is blonde-ditzy Dwarf. They align with loveable loser dwarf and bland coward dwarf who's money hungry to a fault (so, he's an outdated caricature of how Jews were depicted in Central Europe around the early 1900's... that's not good). I don't know, submitted for record
Queen Freya - loves a random dude, knocked up before marriage and suffers tragedy so she goes off and demands no one ever loves again - is so driven by this need that she takes to slave-ownership and is a literal frigid bitch with ice water running through her veins
Sarah - Easily tricked into believing all men are terrible, but will agree to nail them such that she can blind-side her former lover later on. Aligns fully with the Queen and swallows her edict about how the right path is total devastation of all lands in response to the killing of a child
Ravenna - Who is totally in this movie as evidence by the fact that the trailer has a reveal where she essentially says "Surprised to see me!? I broke up with Sean Penn and have lots of time on my hands now" - Well, she kills her infant niece/nephew cause her mirror tells her that other women might be prettier at some point in time. Also, the opening scene is her putting her foot into the kings crotch so that she could distract him such that she uses the chess game they're playing to kill him
If... if.... if we were going to have a sliding scale of what to call these women in modern day lexicon... Freya (Bitch) | Sarah (Whore)... Ravenna, I believe it starts with a C and there's an "N" a "T" and a vowel as well... ... ... if you're mad that I'm writing this - note, I didn't write this film, in 2016 I would never write a film where all the woman are toxic trash that just want to hurt men and make them sad and make the Male as a flawless hero who self-sacrifices and saves the day in the face of all this treacherous Estrogen, Holy Hell.
Even Snow White, is tangentially is this. Is she the sweet wonderful person who we all came to love? No, she has one scene where she's manic cause "Bitches be crazy" about their mirrors and shit
Fuck man! How did this film get made? They write in two female dwarves because they screenwriters are like "well, someone has to fuck the two men dwarves at the end". No, no one has to. The movie could have been about how Sarah is every part the equal of Eric and how they work in tandem fostering a loving and nurturing relationship where-by-which their affection carries them from the position of slave to returning heroes to vanquish an evil dictator. Instead, they set up a base-point that the Women, at best, are vessels and at their worst are driven insane because they can't give birth. Another-words, if you can't do what you're sexual organs are installed for you might as well just be evil. What's the target audience for these films? 12-14 year-old girls? You fucking kidding me?
Hemsworth is dreamy and noble and does the right thing and has the patience of a saint giving the evil ex creedence in the face of logic because this movie is clear:
Men - Fuck Ya! Look how not terrible they are at things
Women - Watch the fuck out! They're Evil and should be valued based on Child-Baring Capabilities.
Fuck The Huntsman: Winter's War, the most powerful female I've ever seen on screen is that of Chastain's Maya in Zero Dark Thirty. Blunt was as recent as two summers ago the equal to Cruise in Edge of Tomorrow which should have been the male/female fighting dynamic in this film. And Theron is always a toure-de-force, that's been relegated to nasty bitch all so that through it all Chris Hemsworth could be the dream man.
Young Movie-Going Ladies, Remember.. Your Destiny is to marry a price such as him, but fuck you for existing you should be ashamed of yourself
Also... Four-Fucking-Dwarves! It's better than actual story, fuck everyone who thinks it's just tedious